While talking to a friend this morning I was reminded of how easy it is for many of us to allow someone else to not only rent space in our heads, but to also become the lead speaker. What happens in our head is: We will start thinking about or playing over the tape of what another person said or what we “heard” them say. Then, before we know it, that message or that other person in our head had taken over and now assumed the false role of the wise guru.
Of course, “we” know better, but apparently there is a part of us, which continues to question US! Mercy! How many different people are we? There is “I”. There is the I, which is observing. There is the me questioning. No wonder we “find myself” sometimes exhausted although, on the surface, we have not been doing much except sitting here typing.
What is going on here? Have we suddenly gone from legally sane to a multi-personality who desperately needs hospitalization and lots of medication? There seems to be just one physical body. Thankfully, we are not seeing two or more of us when we look into the mirror. Still….
I have just said to my friend that we both know what a good person he is. “He” is a bright, competent, sane, courageous young man. Yet, within the past few days “He” has allowed someone else to determine his worth. “He” has worn himself out having internal arguments with this other person, trying to prove to the other person that he does his job and deserves to be treated with respect. This man, a recently hired colleague, does not know my friend. He could not have any sort of informed opinion about my friend. Yet, this man has been able to have an enormous impact on how my friend feels bout himself this week.
How does it happen that we take seriously a person who barely knows us and who we barely know, to say or do something we experience as negative about us? Why do we give them credibility? We can go from being in a very upbeat space to contemplating falling on a sword to rid the world of this useless piece of crap – us! Does this sound a little dramatic? Yes, it does. At the same time many of us, if we are honest, will admit to having this sort of experience. Some of us have had this experience frequently.
What is happening? Several things could be happening but it primarily has to do with what spiritual teachers such as the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, calls shenpa. Shenpa is a Tibetan word commonly translated as attachment, hooked, or triggered. When I think of Shenpa I picture a large file cabinet or a special CD, which can hold a record of all my past experiences. These experiences are stored along with the record of what my senses recorded at the time. Thus, seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling as well as other details might be stored with this past experience. Obviously, the details have little to do with any sort of objective reality. They are, however, part of my memory of what happened. Something in my current experience – a word, a color, a sight, or a sound triggers the memory of the past experience. Initially there is this sudden intake of breath, which I imagine as the opening of the file stored on the CD, memory stick or in the file cabinet. Then I connect with the emotions stored with that experience. Lastly I identify with the messages stored with that experience. This does not have to be a negative memory. I might have a memory of the first time I fell in love. When something triggers the process which opens that memory file, I can go from being this very adult, reasonably healthy and together man to being a gooey, love sick, star centered, grinning fool right in the middle of the business meeting!
It could be a memory of one of the many times I was bullied or told how bad or worthless I am. When that sort of memory gets triggered I can go from being this very competent, professional, high functioning person to being this lowly piece of crap who will either attack someone or something or dissolve into this this inept, bungling, needy person who can only reclaim his/her adult status if reassured by the person who is, at some level, responsible for the disappearance of the bright person. Of course, that person is seldom going to do that.
The question is, of course, how I get this adult, competent person who knows that “he” is worthwhile back. First, it is important to recognize what is happening. Now I might just say to myself, “Shenpa” without no hint of judgment or any other commentary. Then, I do my best to refrain from reviewing the old story. The old story is just the old story, whether it be positive or negative. If positive, I might be in a position to just enjoy the feelings for a moment. If negative I want to remind myself who “I” am today; not who I felt like I was a year ago or who I believed I was 20 years ago. I am a bright, competent, work in progress, human, good person. I do not want to allow anyone to convince me of the opposite. Yet, it is easy to fall into the trap and take that other person’s comments/actions seriously. I want, if possible, to prevent that. How? If a supportive friend is available and is able to reassure me of who “I” am, I can then let that person know I need support (I may just ask for what I call a reality check.) I may do this in person, via voice phone, text or email. That friend will remind me what is happening and to not reinforce the old message which has been triggered. If I keep getting support and practice the new “truth” I will soon shut down the rental unit!
I may also find it helpful to play CDs of one of my spiritual teachers. I have several such recordings on my phone and often listen to them while working out.
.
If the Shenpa is particularly powerful or if I am confused about why I am suddenly gone from being this positive, I can do anything, sort of person to this limp pasta, ineffective person who basically says to someone: “Paint me blue and I will be blue.” I may need some more intensive help in reclaiming myself. This may come from a therapist, a counselor, or a life coach.
I will want to learn to be careful about distinguishing the “I” from the other versions of me. There is the me associated with the old, negative belief. There is the me knows that I am a strong, competent, good person. There is also the me who is the observer. That last “me” has a very important job. The observer has no vested interested in the old or new story. The observer just notices what is going on and if “he” says anything at all, will just say, “Isn’t that interesting.”
The end goal is always the same. Do not feed, buy into or otherwise reinforce the old negative message.
What if the message is that I made a mistake? Then from a place of strength I can admit my mistake, take responsibility for it and do what I can to correct or make amends for it. It is not a big deal. An old message might sneak in and say, “This is a really big deal.” “I” need to reply, “No, it is not a big deal. We humans make mistakes. That is all it is. A mistake.”
RSS Feed